I caught the tail end of today's All My Children tonight, and after only about five minutes I was reminded of why I got fed up and stopped watching even though I've followed this soap more or less since I was 12.

SCENE: Chandler Mansion, Living Room, where beloved Stuart was recently shot and killed and probably bled a lot.

(JR and Marissa are eating cheap frozen cheese pizza, even though Adam is a billionaire and could probably get Wolfgang Puck to come over and whip up some pizza for them.)

JR sighs and runs his hand though his already greasy hair.

Marissa: Am I wrong or did it suddenly get very uncomfortable there?

JR: Sigh mutter mutter sigh. I am mixing pizza grease with hair product.

Marissa: Was it something I said?

JR: No, it was the way you said it--completely without any inflection at all, like a cardboard cutout like you buy at a party store, except you are not a cool Star Wars character. You see, I was already pretend-married to one bad actress who I am supposed to pretend looks just like you, except you look nothing like her at all and it makes my forehead all wrinkly.

Marissa: Gasp. Um, whimper.

JR: I am just going to stare off into the distance now because I can't stand to hear you read lines off the teleprompter anymore.


SCENE: The Very Brightly Lit Bar

Fat Tad: Even though you look like Reba McEntyre, you are supposed to be Liza so I will pretend I know all about your schemes.

Reba McEntyre: Zack is hot in his purple suit. Have some brightly lit wheat grass!


SCENE: The Cheap Secret Room Set

Q-Tip: I am hiding in this stupid high school play set so I can be even more skeletal than I was before! I will defeat Reba McEntyre and keep Zack for myself so he no longer wears purple suits and blue shirts!

Roll credits.

ETA: My mom tells me they were at the fishing cabin, not at the mansion. Still.